Okay
by A Perfect Lie
Summary: Severus has really done it this time. What will Hermione do after catching him in bed with another woman, again? Why hasn't Severus noticed that she isn't okay?
1. Not so Okay

Disclaimer: Oh, how I wish they were mine. But, sadly, and cruelly I might add, they are not. Therefore I am forced to get my Sevvie-fix here. ::sigh:: 

A/N: I'd like to call this "Sudden Inspiration due to Unavoidable Insomnia at 3 in the Morning" but that's too many syllables. Though it does pretty much sum up my current state while writing this. This is..well...interesting. Well it's not what you expect. Honestly.

* * *

The room, which had moments before been filled with passion-filled cries, had gone completely silent. 

Severus resisted the urge to groan. Not again. He saw the light pouring from the open door spilling into the room, and the look in his current partner's eyes had told him all he needed to know. Oh, how he wished he didn't have to turn around.

Not that he had a choice about it. He quickly extracted...er...'himself' from the young woman and rolled over to face the intruder.

That intruder was, the one and only, Hermione Granger.

And by the looks of it, she was going to murder someone.

A certain someone who had pushed her too far for the last time.

"Severus." she said softly. He flinched at the dangerous undertones in her voice.

"Ginny." she acknowledged the young red-head with a glare. The youngest Weasley shrunk back into the sweat-drenched pillows behind her.

"Hermione I-" Severus started. He had to admit it. He was scared. He'd never seen Hermione like this before.

"Don't." Hermione said harshly. She paused for a moment, letting the dramatic tension build, and then spat "Get out."

Immediately Severus and Ginny scrambled to get out of the bed. Neither of them wanted to be on the recieving end of her wand. Hermione let her poisonous gaze rest on Severus and said "Not you. I'm not done with you."

He ground his teeth nervously as Ginny practically ran from the room, grabbing her clothes on the way.

He forced himself to meet Hermione's eyes as she took a few steps forward.

"Hermione...I'm sorry." he tried.

Wrong answer. "You're sorry?" she said incredulously.

"No. You're not sorry." she said, her calm demeanor quickly fading.

"You not sorry about Ginny."

"Or Parvati."

"Or Narcissa"

"Or bloody Tonks either!"

Each sentence was like another blow to him. He felt sick inside, as if his guts had turned to liquid.

"But Hermione, dear, you must understand, I'm a wizard and I have certain needs-" Severus said, trying to make his words sound sincere.

He got cut off by the sudden placement of a very large wand at his throat.

"Don't bloody tell me that. Don't you dare. You don't believe that and you shouldn't bloody well expect me to." Hermione hissed.

"I'm sick of it Severus! I'm sick of giving and giving and not getting anything in return!"

She pushed the wand into his neck, obviously causing him discomfort.

"Tell me why I shouldn't. Give me one good reason."

"Hermione" he rasped, as his windpipe was currently being crushed. "I love you."

"Bastard. You bloody bastard." she ripped the wand from under his chin and took a step back in disgust.

"I'm sick of your fucking lies! All of it..that's all that this has been."

"Has this been a fucking game for you Severus? Messing with me all this time?"

"3 bloody years I've spent with you. How many times have you cheated Severus? How many of my friends have you fucked? How many times have you humiliated me?"

"You think you're untouchable, that you can do no wrong."

"Oh, the wars over, and look, I'm a sex god. I'm going to fuck every female possible. Who cares that I have a fiancee. It's not like she's _worth anything_."" Hermione mimicked.

Severus flinched. Her words were tearing him apart. Yeah, he had done some bad things. Alot. But he thought she had understood it and that she didn't mind.

"Bloody hell. I don't know who I was trying to fool here. All I wanted was...was..." Hermione's voice cracked.

She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. Nothing does, anymore."

Tears were flowing freely from her eyes, and Severus looked at her with almost a glazed expression, trying his damnest to process all of this.

Hermione looked him over. "You have no idea what you've done, do you? Not a bloody clue."

He looked over to her, the sadness and pain evident in his eyes and said "Hermione, what can I do to make this right?"

Hermione shook her head as she blinked tears out of her eyes. "That's just it. You can't."she croaked.

"I've given you so many chances. And not once did you even try to reconcile with me. You just assumed I was okay."

"Well I'm not bloody okay. Does this look okay to you?!" Hermione gestured to herself.

Severus took in her appearance, noticing many things that he had looked over before. Her hair hung in limp tresses, hanging in a dismal fashion around her sickeningly pale face. Her face was rather fightening actually. It was ghastly white and the dark brown freckles that sprinkled it seemed to jump off of her features.

Hermione had always been small, but this was just unhealthy. Her clothes sagged off of her bony figure and she just didn't look at all like the woman he'd grown to love.

"I never-" Severus said softly, but once again, Hermione refused to let him finish.

She held up her hand, clearly conveying that she didn't want to hear it.

"You're killing me Severus." she ran her arm subconciously over her left forearm while she said this. Several red, perfectly straight lines were there, along with many scars, obviously intentionally made.

She shook her head. "I'm done... I'm done with you, I'm done with this life."

"I'm done with it all."

Severus opened his mouth but found he didn't know what to say to the woman who had become a complete stranger to him.

"I hope to never see you again. Goodbye Severus." she said, rather calmly. She looked at him, almost longingly, as if she almost wished things could have been different.

But she didn't stay. She turned around and left, leaving a stunned Severus Snape in her wake.

* * *

Two days later, Harry Potter, Hermione's last confidant since she had stopped talking to Ginny and Ron, found Hermione half-dead in her London flat. Her wrists were slit.

* * *

A/N: Alright, decided to continue with this idea, but I chose to take it along a different path. I went back on the whole killing Hermione off bit. I want Sevvie-dearest to really suffer in this one. Methinks that he's been thinking in his pants too much lately and he's going to get a reality shock. 

As per the reviews, yeah, Snape does seem OCC at this point. But I plan to change that in upcoming chapters. I was going to make this a one shot...but...nope not possible. Damn writer's conscience.

I'll update soon. Got to get the HiO chapter that I promised out first though.


	2. White or Creme?

Anti-Litgation Charm: Heh, always thought these were as corny as hell. Anywho, Harry Potter and all the rest don't belong to me. Really. I know, it's sad. But you'll be fine. Be strong.

A/N: Halfway through chapter 17 of HiO, I was struck by this horrible abomination, commonly called, _-**writer's block-. **_::shudders:: A horrid, horrid thing. So, to get me muse working, I started chapter 2 of "Okay". And yeah, there are quotation marks in the title. just makes them invisible.

Thanks to everyone for your reviews, I really do appreciate them alot.

* * *

Severus Snape detested hospitals.

Such places should not be allowed to exist. Everything from the tangy smell of disinfectant, to the myrads of diseases just _waiting_ to get him made his skin crawl. But, despite his severe dislike of hospitals, that is precisely the place that Severus Snape found himself.

His black dress shoes made little click noises on the marble floors. He had come as soon as he could. Potter had floo-ed him once he had gotten Hermione safely to St. Mungo's.

While his face, as usual, was impassive and blank, inside he was twisted with guilt, remorse, and worry. He was a goddamned idiot. And that pretty much summed it up.

He opened the swinging door to room 37C. The room was, well, he would have called it white, but Hermione would have insisted it was creme, in her usual bossy way.. The thought came to him unbidden, and his heart panged once again. Harry was sitting in one of the chairs, his fingers trailing over Hermione's uprisen palm. He slumped slightly in his seat, his posture giving away what his face did not. He looked helpless.

Hermione looked terrible. Her bushy hair was all over the place, and she looked pale and had dark circles under her eyes. She looked thinner. Severus grimaced. She hadn't been eating or sleeping. And because of him.

Her arms lay at her side, palms up. Her forearms were thickly bandaged, and were starting to soak through with blood.

Harry stopped his gentle movements when he realized someone was watching. He turned around, facing Snape, looking as if he were death himself. " 'Lo Professor."

Severus gave a slight nod in return. The silence grew between them for a while, both of them lost in their own thoughts. "I.." Severus said, his voice suddenly raspy. "I never thought she would do this. I didn't think..." he stopped abruptly and collapsed into the chair next to Harry.

What had he done? He buried his head in his hands. Gods, he had thrown away the only thing that really mattered, and for what? Nothing.

No. It wasn't nothing. It was bollocks. Complete and utter bollocks. For a few quick shags with the forbidden fruit. For the feeling that he was worth something, that he was desirable.

How far he had gotten from that. He was nothing, he was dirt. Scum, filth, you name it, Severus Snape was it.

And to top it all off, he knew it was wrong. He knew what he was doing was wrong, and that she knew about it. And yet, he still did it. Because he thought he was getting away with it. How bloody ignorant could he be? How could he have missed _this?_

He looked up to find the boy-who-lived-to-defeat-Voldemorte staring at him. Harry had never been supportive of Hermione's relationship with him. Which was understandable, if you looked at it objectively. It wasn't as if he had given him any reason to.

"Explain." Harry said, his green eyes suddenly hard and stubborn.

"Excuse me, Mr. Potter?" Severus replied quickly.

Harry's eyes raked Severus searchingly. "This didn't happen for no reason. You and Hermione have been...living together. You should know."

Severus sighed painfully, but otherwise didn't respond. How could he explain that he had driven Hermione to such lengths? If he did, Potter was likely to kill him where he stood.

"Did you know that Hermione and Ron and Ginny had a falling out?" Harry said, in soft voice, or a rather loud whisper, depending on how you looked at it. "Hermione refuses to associate with either of them anymore. And she also refuses to say why.

All I know is that Hermione and Ginny had gone at it, Hermione calling Ginny a whore and Ginny calling Hermione a prude. Then Ron got into it, defending his little sister. Hermione told them both that she never wanted to hear from them again. And this isn't the first time Hermione has severed ties with friends.

So explain." He finished.

"Believe me Potter, when I tell you that you do not want to know." Severus said in a strained voice.

"But I do." Harry insisted.

Severus shook his head, limp locks of black tossing about. "It's Hermione's choice to tell you. If she hadn't told you, then I shan't be the one to." Personally, he was surprised that Hermione hadn't told Harry. After all, they were extremely close, much to Severus' chagrin.

Harry frowned deeply at Severus' answer, but otherwise remained silent.

"Will she be alright?" Severus finally ventured.

Harry's eyes had a pained look in them. "I'm not sure. She did something...took something...we can't heal the wounds."

"It must have been premeditated..." Severus mumbled, more to himself than Harry.

Harry nodded shortly. "The healers can give her blood replenishing potions, and can stem the flow of blood a bit, but other than that.." he stopped shortly.

"There's not much to do." Severus intoned, getting a nod of confirmation from Harry. "Why is she unconcious?"

"When I...when I found her, she was still half awake. And bloody pissed that I had arrived. She kept doing wandless magic, and the healers had to give her dreamless sleep so that they could treat her." he said rather shakily.

Harry took a deep breath, and took a piece of parchment from the bedside table. "I found this, on the bathroom sink. I can't make sense of it." Harry handed it over to Snape, and the look in his eyes clearly said that he thought that Snape could.

He unrolled the parchment, which had sploches of dried blood and assumedly water, perhaps tears.

**I never asked for much.**

**All I ever wanted was one thing.**

**You.**

Severus closed his eyes. He couldn't breathe. His hands crumpled the papers between their fingers as he finally let out a sob. Oh dear Merlin, what had he done? Why, why, why?

Harry watched silently as he watched the usually stoic man in front of him have his whole being ripped into two. He saw the expression of anguish on Severus' face, and he felt pity for the man. He knew that something had happened, and that Severus was at the center of it, but it was hard to be angry when 'the enemy' was in so much pain.

They lasped into silence once again, neither one of them moving. The air felt so heavy, as if it were pressing down on them. Severus massaged his temples. This was too much.

* * *

Hermione opened her eyes and groaned. "Bloody hell." she muttered.

* * *

A/N: Ahh...one done, one to go. It's a relief. Anyway, just a quick note here. Hermione's suicide note...while it's short...and not very flowery..is really what I imagine one to be. I can't imagine lyrics or poetry being put there. Things tend to get very...black and white at that point.

Oh, and sorry for the cliffie. ::grin::

Question: At the very end, should Hermione forgive him or leave him forever? Or maybe should Hermione die? Or Snape?

Review and lemme know!


	3. It's better to have loved and lost

Disclaimer: Alas, Harry Potter _still_ does not belong to me, and it's a feeble hope that J.K.R. will turn over the reigns to yours truly. Not likely.

A/N: Yep, I updated. I'm rather proud of this chapter, I think it fills in alot of gaps and gives you alot more insight into what Hermione was thinking.

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They had told her this was going to happen. Everyone did.

Except for Dumbledore. Dumbledore and those damn happy twinkling eyes.

She was so blind then. Blinded with love. And it was bloody great.

It wasn't a storybook romance, where all of a sudden they realized how idiotic they were both being and fell head over heels in love. It was much more meaningful than that.

Hermione couldn't pinpoint the exact moment that she had grown to love Severus. She just did. It wasn't something she asked to do, that she particularly wanted, but who was she to argue with something so wonderful?

They had worked together often at Grimmauld Place. Nothing spectacular, as the Prophet had seemed to think it was. They weren't working on some mystical all-powerful potion of which the likes of had never been seen before. It was simply healing potions and truth seriums for them.

It had taken a while for things to become...neutral between them. Both herself and Severus have horrid tempers, and it brought a smirk to her face to remember some of their rows.

Trust, no matter how begrudgingly given, turned into respect, which in turn grew into something more.

It was so sweet. While Severus was still very much the snarky bastard he always was, she grew to love and hate it repectively. Everything seemed to fit when she was with him. It didn't matter if they were arguing, which happened more often than she would have liked, or just sitting together, each of them lost in their own thoughts. No words were needed, what they had was so fufilling that to call it love was unspeakable.

When had things gone wrong? Hermione didn't know. More to the point, when did she realize things had gone wrong? Well that was easier to pinpoint.

He had changed. It was as simple as that. There wasn't outright animosity, sure to everyone else it seemed everything was the same between them. At first.

Then she had caught him the first time. With Parvati Patil, of all people.

She was beyond pissed. Hell hath no fury like a wronged Hermione. She had known things had been rough between them, but she had no idea he would _ever_ do anything like this. But then again, Hermione tended to believe the best about people.

She was all ready to leave then, she had gone over her 'goodbye' speech a dozen times over in her head. But when the time finally came and she looked into those beautiful eyes that were just filled with sorrow, she couldn't bring herself to do it. It was the beginning of her end.

After that, she tried harder. She threw herself into the relationship, doing everything she could to make it right. She was determined. Obviously Severus wasn't happy with something, if he felt he had to go seek the company of others. So it was up to Hermione to figure out what it was and to fix it.

She forgot how to be herself. How stupid could she be? She went and became something she wasn't, a mindless fiance whose only purpose is to dote on her lover, and managed to drive Severus further away. She was such a bloody idiot.

What she had tried to do was do everyone a favor and just die. It wasn't that complicated, there wasn't any cry of help ingrained in her actions. What did she have left? Her friends? Nope. Her job? Oh yes, a mediocre job where she was underappreciated and underpaid was a wonderful thing to live for.

Her suicide note, ugh, her stomach twisted at the very thought of it. She was drunk then, which was the only rational explination, in Hermione's mind at least.

So, one can imagine her irritation when she awoke to one Harry Potter and one Severus Snape sitting next to her bed.

And the first thing that came to mind was, "Bloody hell." she groaned.

Severus was up out of his seat before you could say 'apologetic'. He went to the side of her bed, leaning slightly on the metal bedrails that were up. "Hermione?" he asked slowly, in a low tone.

No answer except the she turned around to lie facing the opposite direction.

"Hermione, please." Severus pleaded. He had _pleaded._

Very slowly, as to not upset her arms, Hermione sat up. Looking him directly in the eyes with a detatched sort of look she said, "Why are you here?"

Severus didn't answer right away. Finally he answered, "Because I care about you Hermione."

Something moved in Hermione's eyes. Her mouth was set in a grim line, as if she wanted to cry, but she didn't. "Leave." she ordered.

"I can't do that Hermione." he said in the same quiet tone he used before.

"And why not?" she asked.

Severus fixed her with a disdainful and despairing look. "Because Hermione, if you don't tell us what you dosed yourself with, you'll die in the next few hours. Your body is starting to build a resistance to the blood-replenishing potions."

"I don't see a problem with that at the moment." she said, laying back down and turning away. This would have stopped the interrogation, except that she ended up facing Harry, who was sitting in a chair next to her bed.

"But we do." Harry said grimly. Severus sent a grateful look in Harry's direction.

Hermione closed her brown eyes tightly as she muttered, "I don't want this."

"Then what do you want?" Severus asked, crouching beside the bed so that he wasn't hovering over Hermione.

His inquiry was met with silence. Hermione said nothing and the room was quiet except for the background noises that any hospital has.

At first Severus thought she was asleep but her slightly furrowed brow gave her away. It was only a minute before Hermione responded, though it seemed like a few months. "To be anywhere but here." she mumbled softly, her head partially buried in a pillow.

"What was that?" Harry asked, leaning forward a bit.

"I said, Harry James Potter, that I'd like to be anywhere than here, hell included." Hermione answered in tone that suggested she was becoming irritated.

Well that shut Harry up. He looked as if he was at a complete loss of words. Which he was.

"I'm sorry to hear that Hermione." Severus mumured.

"Shove it Severus." Hermione glared at him. "I don't want your pity or your apologies. I just want to be left alone. Is that so difficult?"

"When it's a matter of life and death then it is! Don't you see Hermione, all we want to do is help you." Severus straightened and stood, his legs were starting to cramp.

If looks could kill, Severus Snape would be long dead.

"Fine then. Potter?" Severus said suddenly.

"What?" Harry jerked his head up to look at Snape.

"Kindly leave, will you? I need to talk to Hermione." Snape requested. Though it wasn't really a request, more of a command, as it were.

"Alone?" Harry asked.

"That's what your leaving implies, yes." Severus said sarcastically.

Harry gave a glance in Hermione's direction, who looked away to avoid meeting his eyes. He sighed. "Five minutes, then I'll be back."

"Good. Now go." Severus pointed in the direction of the door.

With a slight nod, Harry turned and left the room.

"Now, Hermione." Severus turned to face her.

"Don't lecture me Severus, I'm not one of your students." Hermione frowned.

Severus sighed. "I apologize. I...just don't know what to do Hermione." He paused for a moment. "What can I do Hermione? I'll do anything. _Anything._"

Hermione shook her head. "I don't want anything." She stopped looking at Severus, instead becoming very interested in arranging her white spread.

Severus ran a hand through his hair. He couldn't let her die. He loved her more than anything. He was such an idiot...

"Look Hermione...tell me what you dosed yourself with and...and...I'll go to the Ministry and annul the betrothal. You can go anywhere you want, you could even take one of my manors if you want. Just tell me what is was." Severus said shakily. His dark eyes were clouded with sorrow.

Hermione chewed her bottom lip in thought, staring down at her lap. Neither moved for a while, until finally Hermione whispered, "Resistenza alla vita."

The relief was instantaneous. There was a counterpotion. The tension that made Severus so terse slowly drained away. He gave Hermione a sad smile. He would save her. And he would live up to his end of the deal.

He turned to go, getting as far as the door before a voice stopped him.

"Severus?" Hermione asked, lifting her head up.

"Yes?" he replied, turning slightly to face her.

Her hair was all over the place, knotted and tangled in the back. Her frame, which was entirely too thin, was drowned in the gown that Mungo's had put her in. And her eyes, her eyes were shining with something that Severus couldn't comprehend.

"You don't have to go to the Ministry." she said, looking at him. "I mean, that is, if you don't want to." she stumbled over her words.

Severus smiled even wider. He had forgotten what a nice thing it was. At least when he smiled at Hermione. Maybe things would be okay.

"I won't go then. Get some sleep, I'll be back in a little while."

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A/N: Woah. You all had FANTASTIC ideas and views. It was great getting to read them, thank you all for reviewing.

June: lol "happily ever after"? Have you read my "happily ever after" story? chuckles Anyway nice ideas. It's going to run over 3 chapters methinks. Actually, I know.

the-sexy-flower: Hmm I see what you're getting at. I like it, but it wouldn't really fit. It'd make a nice other story though. ponders Noooo...MUST NOT START ANOTHER STORY! hits herself on the head .

mada: Wow, is that I good thing that I made you hate Sevvie? I'm not sure wether I should feel guilty or proud.

Fox of the Nova: Hrm...I like except that I'm a believer in the phrase "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Grand-Illusion: Oooh.....I liked that idea. I was actually going to use it...but then my fingers got ahead of me and started writing with a mind of their own. Maybe I can incorporate it somehow into the next chapter...

Kelley's Sweetpea: lmao...omg..everytime I see your review I laugh. Don't ask me why.

Tiny me: Y'know...I'd have to agree with you. This story is not my best work by far. BUT I am going to finish it, whether you like it or not. Not sure if you wrote that outta anger or whatever, but it's like a slap in the face. Not necessarily bad, just refreshing. Thanks for your honesty.

Intelligent Witch: No groveling as well? ::wink::

me: Wow, thank you!

Alright, so it's still not set in stone. Where do you guys think Hermione and Severus should go from here?


End file.
